Difficult Child. Interesting Adult.
When
you’re feeling frustrated about your child’s behaviour, just
remember, your difficult child is going to grow up to be an
interesting adult.
Wayne Dyer said,
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at
change.”
Qualities that are difficult in a
child might serve him well as an adult.
- Stubborn = strong willed, sets goals and
works toward them
- Defiant = is confident enough to
speak honestly to authority figures
- Disorganized = is more interested in the
big picture, not a details person
- Doesn’t listen = focuses well on his own
projects, is able to ignore distractions
- Argumentative = intelligent, passionate,
excellent verbal skills
“Difficult” is in the eyes of the beholder. A difficult
child is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be understood.
All behaviour is logical. What is the deeper
meaning behind the difficult behaviour?
- I want more freedom and control
in my life. This doesn’t mean letting them have everything they
want. It means giving them more freedom and control – within
boundaries.
- I feel that no one “gets”
me. What does
it mean to “get” a child? It means to feel empathy for them. It
means to really listen to what they’re saying.
- I have energy I need to burn
off. Get
outside. Move. Exercise.
- I’m bored. I don’t feel
challenged. This is
especially the case with highly intelligent children.
- I need more attention from Mom
and Dad. Some
children need more attention than others – within the same
family. If they can’t get it in positive ways, they will get it
in negative ways. Give to each according to their needs. You
cannot spoil a child with love.
We think of children as difficult when they do not
behave in ways we like. We need to provide them with two things:
freedom within structure.
The 4 F’s of discipline:
Few: Your list of rules
should be short. These are your non-negotiables, your battles worth
fighting. Put them up on the fridge door. Review them periodically.
Fair: Talk about these
rules as a family. What are the logical reasons behind them? Let your
kids participate in this discussion rather than decreeing from above.
Decide in advance what the consequences will be – ideally with buy-in
from your kids.
Fast: When a rule
is violated, follow the “Act, don’t yak!” rule. Simply impose the
consequence. No need for long sermons or lectures. Make sure the
consequences have a reasonable time limit (for example, one day
without the iPad), so that you can start fresh again.
Firm: Listen to the
push back then let it go. It’s my job to set boundaries. It’s your
job to push back against them. We’re both doing our job.
The daily struggle to meet the needs of a “difficult”
child will be just that, a daily struggle. Take one day at a time. At
the end of a bad day, rebuild the interpersonal bridge by making
nurturing contact with the child. The next day, push the reset button
– no grudges or references to the past. Most of all, have a sense of
humour. Maybe you don’t even have a difficult child – maybe you’re a
“difficult parent.” lol
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